was it me? the whole freaking time?

okay. i know this is going to be a LONGGGGGGGGG POST. and i dont expect you to read it. but its just for me to rant, and un-confuse myself. its like talking to a friend, but the friend doesnt respond back, and it gives you time to think. so i havnt blogged since wednesday. so my day, and hten in parantheses will be my feelings.

thursday: i honestly dont rmbr what happend. -__- i guess i was all hyped for ID? i think there was an earthquake today. or was it wednesday? i'm not sure. but one boring day fsho.

friday: internatioonal dayyyyyyyyyy! it was so freaking fun. (: i ate a lot of food. tee heee. churros, nachos, ice cream and PIEEEEEEE! yipee. (: me gusta pie. and we won second place :D go dragons. when i was up their dancing, i was sooo proud of our class. we pulled together and showed the school who we really are. i think we are the most talent class. :D so many excelling people! friday tiffany came over for MUN prepartaion. and she was on my aimsn, and i was on hers. :D but i think the poeple who talked to us already knew that ;D

saturday: MUN CONFERNECEEEEEEEE! it was pretty fun. sorta. i might eric and jaimie. and they were sooooooooooo cool! eric is such a cutie :D hes so hyper and yeaaa. hes's amazing. i made two new freinds! yipeeee. so i thought me and tiff did really well. and we were expectign an award. but we didnt get one -__- so yeaaa. i'm gonan look at that pointssheet and see what happend to us. after MUN i went to a surprsie 21st birthday party. it was sorta fun too.i guess

sunday: i woke up at 8.30. kinda early. but alice and jeremy were gonna come over. so yeaa. they had a walmart run and bought sooooooooooooooo much food. (: junk food to be specific. and then angel's house we go to. :D tori is the cutest thing everr.
[angel, you looked really sad. it wasnt even your shocked face. and i dotn know why. and i'm sorry if it had to do with your party. or if it had to do with me. but i just didnt get the feel from last year. like you were unhappy? cus something just didnt seem right. your emotion isnt what all of us expected. so tell me if i did sometihng wrong]
[chris, i really am sorrry. i shouldnt have left so many calls. and now i feel really bad. ipromise i'll make it up to you some way or the other]

monday: homework. shopping. i got a reallllly cute outfit. imma wear it tomorrow.

tuesday: i read poeple's blogs. a lot of them, cus i havnt read them in a while. and i felt shooo bad. you know how i'm always like "everyone changed. everyones changing, and i dont like it" welll it was ME. the whole freaking time. I CHANGED. and it didnt help anything either. i've hurt poeple soooo much. and its just unbelievable. i look back at all those times, and i hang my head in shame. its like fahrenheit 451. i finally looked at the mirror. and what i saw was not what i expected. and that basically was my day. going through all these sad moments. seeing the cuase. which was me -___- i always want the year to end. but what's that gonna do? its teh same set of friends every year. thers no point wishing for a new year. i wish i had looked at the mirror earlier. and fixed all my mistakes. but i still have time. 3 weeks. i have 3 weeks to fix the mistakes. and apologize [i got the inspiration from marissa <3]. but yeah.

i've been such a meanie. and i dont know why. and i dont even understand. i WASNT this kind of person. and summer canNOT change a person that much. so why? i guess its all my emotions. bundled upp. imma steal this from tiffany's buddy info becuase i want to. and it explains how i feel right now:

"Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mom was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up."

so if i'm realy sad tomorrow. let it be. i need to get over it. but i dont think i'll get over it soon. you know when you cry, but you dont eve know why. yea. thats what is happeing now. you heart beats a little slower. and you just wanna figure everything out. and its not going to work. and its your stress point, and your just about to breaaaaaaaak. in half. i dont even know why i'm crying now. ): ARGH. i hate myselft. and my life. if i seem happy tomorrw. then thats good. cus you cant see through my mask. but yes.

if i burst at you, im sorry. if i seem really sad, read this post again. if i dont respond or talk to you, i'm not ignoring you. i'm jsut in my own little world, trying to figure out things that will never work out. now is when i need a should to cry on. but i'm not sure i'll get one. cus i've been such a mean b***h. i wish you guys would havve told me earlieer. things could have been beetter.


the one thing i hate the most: hugs that are refused