hello there! i know you don't have a blogger. so you wont read this. so i can write whatever the hell i want. YUUPPEEE.

dear _______.

there are so many things i could write here, but when i see your face, i just have to wear that smile and act like im not frustrated inside. i cant subtly hint at what you are doing cus that would just ruin things and make it even worse. but the stupid part is that you dont even KNOW what you ARE doing. i've been trying so hard to not make this friendship fall apart. but its just one way. i know that you know that we havnt been doing much this year. but you just sit and watch. while im trying to fix it. this cant be one waaay. maybe this is when i say "fuck it" and just give up. i've done it before. and of course it hurts. but since this wouldnt be the first time, it shouldnt be too hard. and maybe you'd realize that im not there anymore. and we can play and be how we used to be last year. BUT i highly doubt that. cus you are just a lazy ass -___- and you wouldnt make any changes and i'm tired of feeling as if im bugging you or annoying you. when i've made so many attempts and asked you if your free this day or that day or the next day and your reply is "uuuhhmmmm" i get it. I GET IT. all you have to do is "oh. i think im hanging out with someone else" or even better, "i dont want to hang out with you" cus honeslty, "UHHMM" is just fuckign FALSE HOPE. i've been hurt before, so its nothing knew. it'll pass on.

your forgotten friend.

archie.

it feels good to write it out.

11th grade. what a year. its definitely different. and i'm not sure if i like it or not. its one of those things were it could be good or bad. academically it can always be better. thats just a given. even those with 4.0's are like "i need that a PLUS". but thats not even the whole "different" thing.

i've basically just befriended a lot of new people. and all the old ones are falling apart. i just dont even know anymore. i can see where we fell apart. all of our classes are different, we dont have time to talk, and schedules are just more hectic. but i thought these friendships were better than just the "if you have the same class, then you'll talk. if not. then there goes that friendship". i'm pretty sure my relationships weren't that plastic. and the other thing is that even IF they are in my classes this year, i just feel awkward talking to them. its like i don't belong with that group cus idkay what to do, to say, to act like. i feel like a newbie. basically.

the only place were i can truly not be awkward and happy is during talent show practices with shanti club. surprisingly. but what's gonna happen after talent show? no more play time. no more meeting amazingly chill people.

its not like i'm shutting myself out. im trying my best. but sometimes it just doenst work. but does that mean that alll of my friendships need to go like that? it feels like i'm just floating around. but i dont have one particular place/group to go.

idkay whats even going on anymore. i'm just gonna enjoy the time for now. the month i have left. and hopefully things will get better.

i am tired of you.