sometimes xmas spirit just isnt enough

so today was our human free-response. enough said. it was horrible. and everyone basiclally died. well all of pd 3 did. T_T

and then i see my spanish grade dropping. every day.

and i see my hopes being crushed every time. i hate believing or hoping in something. and then something happens. and your like. "oooh okay. this isnt gonna happen anymore" and you sorta get sad. but i get kinda pissed at myself. like its my fualt i believed in the first place. and its just learning to keep your expectations really really low. so when anything happens its like ":O no way! i cant believe it :D"

but honestly. im a girl. and girls believe. and i just cant get myself to do have low expectations. but NOT doing it hurts me even more when crash. the impact is just harder. but you would expect to get used to falling down, and getting up right? WRONG. it hurts the same every single time.

and i honestly just dont know what to do. like its just like "stop believing" but thats never gonna happen. so im just screwing myself over. and its hurting me. thats it.

i've also given up on 11.11 wishes. i'm such a boring depressing person now. im disappointed in myself.

its like "shree! shake out of it. and get up. and walk it off" but thats not gonna happen either. its easier said then done.

and im just going through a lot of things right now. so if i get mad at you. or shout at you. im truly am sorry.

and i also realized this week. that my life right now is pretty boring. and plain. its the same schedule. and i sorta gettign tired off it. theres no excitiement. or surprise. or fun.

"i found out that there's no such thing as a miracle"

theres a lot you can hide behind a smile.